Crystal Ball
A ballad based on an actual fairground attraction from the past, this glamorous lady gives us a commentary on a rather old amusement hall in her own witty and slightly world-weary way! (Sounds really good in a Blackpool accent!)
'Ello, punters - welcome to our fair!
Well, maybe I should stop right there;
Not quite a fairground, as you see –
More a big arcade, to me.
I guess, like all amusement parks,
It’s noisy and it smells of sparks.
You’ll need some dosh here, understand it,
For pinball and the one-armed bandit!
With treats galore and rides for kids,
Just be prepared to part with quids!
But lots of people come to me,
Their fortune on a card to see;
They’ll laugh, ‘Is what she gazes true?’
While fumbling for a coin or two
To activate the operation
Of petit moi – an automaton!
A light comes on inside my globe,
I stroke it and their fortunes probe;
Out drops the card, in ink of green…
They're off then, to a slot machine!
I sit here in my metal booth
Quite bored at times, to tell the truth;
It gets, well, so repetitive
To churn out each consecutive
Prediction card hour after hour,
As though I have some mystic power!
I’ve learned them off by heart, you know,
And know the order that they go;
They’re all generic, by the way –
Each Friday, loaded in my tray!
And me? I’m stuck ‘tween fact and fiction,
And play a game with each prediction –
I just imagine it comes true
Before their visit here is through!
‘You’ll see things in a different light’ –
They’re off to Crazy Mirrors, right?
‘An unplanned journey you might make’ –
To grown-ups, mmm… a welcome break?
No – means their kids will now dislodge them
To bump around inside a dodgem!
They’ve never given me a name;
Suppose they think we’re all the same –
Fairground attractions large and small
In an old amusement hall.
Well, who am I? Let’s cogitate –
What is my personality trait?
I like to people-watch, that’s true
And try to guess what they might do;
So, if you’d like a name to call me,
Why not, clearly… Crystal Ball? – Oui?
I’ve heard kids call me ‘Goldilocks’,
While teens prefer, ‘Blonde in the Box’!
I’d like to think they’ve some affection
For this old staple fair attraction!
And I felt GREAT last Saturday –
A couple from the USA,
He so suave and she so vibrant,
Came. He said in great excitement,
‘Hey, honey! Wow! Ain’t this bizarre?
She looks just like a movie star!’
So, then, I really shouldn’t grumble
As customers for small change fumble
To work the likes of charming me,
(Any cheaper, we’d be free!)
And hobby horses seem good fun,
Been here since this place has begun;
Round in circles all day long
But that tune just goes on and ON!
Does it stick in my head? – Too right –
Long after we’ve closed for the night!
(Sigh!) Those kids look about to riot,
(There goes my dream of peace and quiet!)
And ay-eee!!! There’s that dreadful scream
In the Ghost Train! Too extreme!
Whatever it is – some banshee –
Scares the daylights out of me!
They shouldn’t call that thing Ghost Train –
It should be called the Ghost Migraine!
Oh, well, you’re bumped, you’re scared, you’re spun –
The things that give you punters fun!
But see that Laughing Clown down there,
Or rather, hear him? I declare,
He doesn’t speak one word of sense –
A total waste of punters’ pence!
He laughs so hard I think he’ll choke,
And I can’t even see the joke!
I swear, if he goes off once more…
If I could get across that floor,
I’d take this ball in front of me
And stick it in his mouth – with glee!
Well, actually, this… orbuculum
Is just for show; it's not a problem.
If I’d one coin left? – Personally,
I’d pass by me, most definitely!
A silly card from Crystal Ball?
Friend, spend it on the Penny Fall –
At least you might get something back,
If you can shift the right coin stack!
Then home, in case The Claw should grab you,
Or worse, for ‘one last ride’ KIDS nab you!
© Robert E. Wilson.
Picture by Kathryn Bannister.